Sports Night Season 1 Episode 5: Mary Pat Shelby

and we’re BACK!

after an extended break from mocking one of my favorite shows, it’s on Netflix Instant and my interest in watching Dan Rydell parade around the set of Sports Night has piqued once more. let’s get to it.

pop quiz:

Mary Pat Shelby is…

A) a good name for a pet (like a turtle, or bird)

B) a state senator from Idaho

C) fictional example of women across the world getting beat downs and taking it!

what a TWIST this episode throws in your face! let’s just pretend i’ve never seen it and carry on as if nothing bad will happen.

so YAAAAAAY CSC landed an interview! in studio! not remote! movin’ on up like George and Weezie. Dana’s right: promote the hell out of this.

but with who? or is it whom? no one knows! is it Mary Pat Shelby? the next Billie Jean King of track and field? idk who she is, but she’s got a whole episode named after her so she must be a major sports star, right guys? stay tuned.

and now ladies and germs: the sub-plot to end all sub-plots: Dan wants to grow a goatee. he’s a grown man who knows what he wants! let him have it, dangnabit. he’s just going to list famous/awesome people with goatees until you all give in so why fight it?

well turns out this big interview is with some chap named Christian Patrick. he sounds hunky. Dan seems excited, and we all know Dana is bouncing off the walls. Dan agrees about the media promotion blitz. Natalie is also pumped, and she gets to go pre-interview Mr. Handsome! we’ve also deduced that he plays football because she’s headed to the Meadowlands and WHOA he’s a convicted felon? damn exciting stuff.

can anyone else believe it took Casey 3 whole minutes to show up in this episode? thank god he’s wearing his hush puppies. and Dan is sporting some classic Samba-esque Adidas kicks. he’s so perfect i can’t stand it.

Dana’s got some news. apparently these people called “lawyers” have some “conditions” for this upcoming sit-down with Chrissy Chrissy Pat Pat (that name was totally Tom Haverford inspired in case you can’t tell. food rakes). you can talk all you want about touchdowns and passes and towel snapping in the locker room, but you know what topic is off limits?

Mary Pat Shelby.

we quickly learn that she is not a track and field star, state senator from Idaho, or you Aunt’s pet bird. she was Christian Patrick’s girlfriend at one point, and wow he is decidedly un-handsome now that we know he throws ladies down stairs. who are you, Bruce Banner?

Casey’s right: Dana got beat like a drum. played like a fiddle. released like a spit valve. and they’re also mid-priced hookers. leaving money on the nightstand and whatnot. truth.

and here is what it boils down to: this guy is obviously not leading the campaign for model citizenship and everyone is aware of that, but Sports Night is in 3rd place, and any way to grab ratings should be taken advantage of. but at what price? publicizing a known and convicted abuser? this is what we’re dealing with here folks. except Dan, he gave his moral compass the day off. it needs rest from being so perfect all the time.

it seems like everyone is living on planet “well as long as it’s not affecting me directly i’ll let it slide”. this works well for people until it happens to one of their own. dun dun dunnnnnnnn.

Just then the breeze blows Natalie in from the storm. she looks cold and windblown. our favorite astute observer Jeremy immediately notices her wrist is hurt? those glasses kick ass, pal.

and then Dana starts telling jokes because no one thinks she’s funny or a jokey type of person. i think it’s always a bad sign when you have to tell people you have a great sense of humor.

Dan’s goatee would definitely be a lighting problem. and while Josh Charles looks fine sans facial hair, daaaaaaamn he looked good when he sported it during In Treatment. laaaaadies am i right?

and now it’s time to get serious: Isaac storms in with news coming from the Meadowlands! hark! apparently ole Shelby beater was spotted exposing himself to someone in the locker room that wasn’t a teammate. Casey’s eyes light up and Jeremy springs into action.

i have to say, the first time i saw this episode back in oh, 2006? i thought this was brilliant. bringing the story home. hit them where it counts. and i still think this episode is great because of the struggle that ensues. these people are in an interesting situation.

and not to cop out here, but i think i’ll just let the rest of the dramz speak for itself. it nicely runs the gamut of emotions and dealing with this kind of situation. it’s a whole new ballgame, kids!

in the end, Dana almost does a big thing badly, but you know what? she had to go through it to see the situation from all sides. so let’s tell some jokes! it’s what Natalie wants.

 

Quote of the episode: “that’s all going to change once i grow a goatee”

Who deserves a punch in the face?: well Christian Patrick definitely does, and not just for having two first names disguised as a full name. everyone who does is Satan’s spawn. i also want to add C. Patrick’s agent/manager/whoever that eagle face shaped man was. he looks like he fixes odometers at a used car shop or something.

Hot slut of the episode: Dana for the sole reason that her skirt was knee-length but also quickly took a turn into slutville with that slit/opening straight to the goods. well played.

Overlaying sports reference: are you ready for some football?!?! or is groping a sport?

Isaac cup o’ wisdom: “they work for me” re: Yiddish expressions. they really do.

Sideline Reporter du’jour: not today 😦

Witty dialogue rating: ehhh this wasn’t terrible, but it was definitely preach city. however, i really liked the set-up and conclusion of it, so you’re getting a pass today, Sorkin! however, the way Natalie delivered her “how much do you love me” line bothered me. like she misread it and no one bothered to correct her inflection.

Dan or Casey: Dan alongside Casey.

“how did this get here?” Owning up to your Netflix queue.

my windows media center’s netflix capability has been down for god knows how long, and i kind of figured why: i refused to update my laptop’s service pack. i’ve been burned before and figured that if it was still working this way, it was fine.

and then i started to get desperate. i was watching netflix through an INTERNET BROWSER (the horror). it just wasn’t cutting it.

boring story short, it’s updated. it works. and as i was perusing my netflix queue, my face flushed. definitely some interesting choices…

however, it gave me an idea: this summer is going to be full of tv that i don’t want to watch and i need to get my 11 bucks a month worth of mailed movie goodness, so why not make a commitment to watch everything that is currently in my illustrious queue?

obviously (or uhh not), i’m going to have to skip over the television shows and tackle the movies first, because in my defense, most of the television shows listed have already passed through my retinas.

so there you have it: this summer, which in my book and according to the sun, started yesterday, i’m going to tackle my queue that keeps on growing. we’ve got everything from Billy Elliott to some crap named According to Greta. should be a hoot.

look out for something hilarious, or surprisingly satisfying soon.

I’m Casting: The Hunger Games

ok teenage internet lurkers, it’s time to put all of these rumors to rest about the potential cast of the much anticipated Hunger Games trilogy. These mostly amazing/borderline terrible books will be hitting the big screen soon, and everyone is buzzing about who should play our fearless heroes and friends. and stupid people.

i read the series so of course i’m entitled to my opinions on who should grace the screen and bring Suzanne Collins’ terrible writing to life. so let’s get to it, these are my picks for the movie franchise. and i’m completely correct with all of these, so don’t even pretend to fight me.

KATNISS:

of course it’s the True Grit girl, Hailee Steinfeld. is she technically younger than Katniss in the books? yes. but you know what? Katniss was kind of a whiny bitch at times, which is perfect for a 14 year old. She could definitely make it work, and whenever they were braiding her hair in the books I always thought of this chick. She’s perfect. discussion over.

PEETA:

it took awhile, but Peeta definitely became my favorite character in the book, with his mad baking skills and puppy dog heart. and his crazy antics. whatever, Team Peeta for life. i can barely defend my devotion to him. anyway, while I was reading the books Big Love’s 5th season also premiered. and you know who would be a perfect Peeta? Gary Embry, Don’s son! he’s blonde, kind of doughy (the most important quality in a baker), and he’s sweet as sugar, but could and would probably kick your ass. AND IMBD tells me he played the legendary Greg Pikitis in one of the funniest episodes of Parks and Recreation ever. yes, i screamed PIKITIS when i saw it was him. so yeah, he’s pefect. and he’s pretty unknown which is what the casting directors should go for if you think about it. no one in Harry Potter was famous minus the adults. so i cast my vote for Cody Klop.

 

HAYMITCH:

here we go for some controversy. Everyone wants Hugh Laurie or Robert Downey Jr. to play Haymitch. I think we all know how much I love me some RDJ, but like Hugh Laurie, he is far too old for this role. Haymitch is what? in his late 30s–early 40s? and i know he’s a drunk so that gives him license to be as old looking as Clint Eastwood, but it’s the future! and both of the aforementioned actors are a touch too famous for this. do you really want to be associated with the next Twilight? Look what that did to Billy Campbell. oh yeah, gave him a bank account in the black. whatever, stick to Dr. House and Tony Stark thank you.

my pick for hot slut Haymitch (who besides Peeta and Cinna was the most badass person in country Panem) is Mark Ruffalo! he looks like he would play one hell of a drunk, and i love how he kind of lisps when he yells. there is something about him that i think really works for Haymitch. he would make it work.

 

CINNA:

another flawless character. I’ve been on Team Cinna since day one. he brings it! i don’t even know what else to say about this guy except he deserves major screen time. and i think we can all agree that Cillian Murphy is the perfect choice to play Cinna. he’s the only person i could picture while reading the books.

note: after google image-ing him, wow he is not very photogenic. and what about Colin Ferrell as Haymitch? god he would also be amazeballs.

 

EFFIE:

99% of the time, I hate Kristin Chenoweth, but she’s a fan of the series and is admittedly perfect for the role of Effie.

 

PRIM:

Elle Fanning, duh. who else is a ‘wise beyond her years’ young blonde? i wish i could get more creative, but there are no other options unless you go unknown. cast her!

 

GALE:

meh who cares. pick some nubile dark haired green eyed olive skinned ‘it’ boy. i hate him anyway.

 

PRESIDENT SNOW:

Steve Martin. he would kill this. i bet he smells like roses and blood.

FINNICK:

same as Gale, except i like him. but i have nothing specific in mind, maybe Zach Levi? i kind of pictured that prince from Tangled as Finnick. so yeah, Levi is my choice.

 

RUE:

i kind of forgot about Rue, but she’s a big enough character so I’ll include her. Someone suggested Willow Smith on the interwebz and you know what? i love it. so Willow for Rue!

 

and truth be told, they’re the only people who matter (to me). any good casting suggestions are welcome in the comments, otherwise, feel free to stew over how right I am about Peeta and Haymitch. you’re welcome.

TEAM PEETA. TEAM CINNA.

 

one final request, can we get Mike Myers in this movie? possibly as Beetee? anyone really, i don’t know why but i see him in this and it’s amazing.

Alphabet Movies: Go to Hell!

F; Fargo

P; Post Grad

C; Cesky Sen (Czech Dream)

B; (The) Business of Being Born

#; 17 Again

I; (The) Invention of Lying

A; (The) Amateurs

#; 2 Days in Paris

I; (The) Informant!

O; Ordinary People

G; Gentlemen Broncos

E; (An) Education

H; Hell House

#ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ#

hell house! sounds terrifying, and boy howdy, it is.

have you ever been to a haunted house with crazy Christian themes as the underscore? you know, the “scary” things like drunk driving, abuse, abortion, hell???

yeah, me too. there was one around my parts in middle and high school. it was called house of horrors, how appropriate. i dont know if it still exists, but man they could pack ’em in.

i grew up in a pretty god fearing part of the country. huge mega churches that sat caty-corner to each other. good times.

so hell house. it chronicles the making of one of these scary halloween houses. the brainstorms for scenes, the audition process, and of course, the big production.

it followed some of the “cast members,” including my favorite: the family with the boy that had a seizure ON CAMERA. Christ, that was terrifying. and the oldest daughter was kind of great in her role as the girl getting an abortion. crazy, but true. the blood on her white pants scarred me for life though.

so yeah, interesting stuff. seeing as i’ve been through these treasures of production before, i was familiar with the people who run them and their agenda. it’s like watching Jesus Camp, insane but super informative bout how people choose to live their lives.

and i can’t believe I’m lumping this in with Hell House, but i recently watched In The Loop and it was my favorite movie of 2009 that i saw in 2010. should have won an Oscar. really funny and insightful? idk if that’s the right word because it’s not like a true story or anything, but it was cool to see how things operate in a roundabout way.

i would include a full review, but i’ve already watched 2 movies that start with an I. never thought I would be the letter i overrun with film watching.

go rent In The Loop. skip Hell House, unless you’re bored, or are unnaturally interested in Pentecostal Christians and their ministry.

Alphabet Movies: life lessons

F; Fargo

P; Post Grad

C; Cesky Sen (Czech Dream)

B; (The) Business of Being Born

#; 17 Again

I; (The) Invention of Lying

A; (The) Amateurs

#; 2 Days in Paris

I; (The) Informant!

O; Ordinary People

G; Gentlemen Broncos

E; (An) Education

#ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ#

Oh that pixie Carrie Mulligan. such a spirit. she’s starring as a 16/17 year old girl who’s getting an education! what a title. she’s English and a little feisty. her dad wants her to attend Oxford, which means study up, young lady. Personally, having been to both Oxford and Cambridge, Cambridge is about a million times better. i am completely biased with an alum in the family, but gahhh Cambridge is just picturesque. Oxford is pretty and such, but so blah. go to Cambridge little lady!

So. she’s studying hard. and she plays the cello. it’s raining and some guy picks her up b/c he doesn’t want her cello to get wet. [insert dirty joke here]

so he’s an older gentleman, but not super grandpa old. he’s in his early 30s? whatever, it’s not that important. he’s got friends, namely some weird British lady and Dominic Cooper, old bug eyes.

they live glamorously, attracting young Pixie Mulligan. i think her name in the film is Jenny. turns out these amigos are swindlers! they steal paintings and stuff from old ladies homes right under their noses. it’s genius, really. Jenny doesn’t love this, but she likes all of the rich stuff that comes with it. She’s in love with Peter Sarsgaard, and she swipes her v-card with him on her 17th birthday. cliche!

they get engaged, which apparently is par for the course in 1960s England. young girls and old-ish men. her parents are thrilled, giving up her life of going to college. Jenny stops caring too b/c she doesn’t want to be a teacher, the only profession a woman can have besides prostitute.

something bad/scandalous happens. Little J certainly gets an education!

the acting in this little ditty was good. i don’t mean to make this movie sound trite and silly, i actually enjoyed it. everybody watch out for Miss Mulligan, she’s a force.

Alphabet Movies: Surveillance does — I hate those.

F; Fargo

P; Post Grad

C; Cesky Sen (Czech Dream)

B; (The) Business of Being Born

#; 17 Again

I; (The) Invention of Lying

A; (The) Amateurs

#; 2 Days in Paris

I; (The) Informant!

O; Ordinary People

G; Gentlemen Broncos

did you like Napoleon Dynamite? then you might like this movie. i myself am a re-birthed fan. at first i was like ‘what is this nonsense’ and now it makes me laugh. so my humor appreciation is ripe for a movie like Gentlemen Broncos.

i’ll get this out of the way: i love Jemaine Clement and Sam Rockwell. they are the reason i rented this, not Jared Hess. his work is kind of hit or miss. while i like Napoleon because it captures teenage angst like nothing else, his creative liberties kind of annoy me. weird thing is, Wes Anderson is my top 5 directors, and that man is all style.

so Jemaine is brilliant as Chevalier, the famous sci-fi author. He’s having trouble producing another successful novel, so he steals Yeast Lords, a story written by the teen character Benjamin. They meet at a writing camp, where Benjamin enters a contest and Chevalier reads the story and steals it. backwards sentences!

so he steals it and publishes it under a new title. at the same time, Benjamin’s friends he met at writing camp are making Yeast Lords into a major motion picture! and by major, i mean really cheaply produced, with Ben’s mom’s boyfriend in the lead role.

obviously trouble arises with both items released around the same time. hoopla!

what i really want to talk about are the things that me laugh. The writing class Chevalier teaches had its moments, especially the whole part about giving your characters great names. youtube it. (if you can, no i’m not going to check for you)

Jennifer Coolidge plays the psychopath so well, i really wonder what she’s like in real life. you’ve got this character, her in Legally Blonde, Best In Show, and Secret Life of the American Teenager. girl, who are you really? i would love to meet her. she’s great in this role.

i thought the Lonnie character was really funny, even if he was terribly one-note. and the girl reminded me so much of Steph from Dorm Life that i was convinced it actually was her. it wasn’t. 😦 but you should watch all of Dorm Life at http://www.dorm-life.com

finally, Sam Rockwell. he’s almost my favorite actor ever. that title belongs to Philip Seymour Hoffman, but Rockwell is definitely tops. he was in the movie for about 6 minutes total, but i loved every second of it. He played both Bronco and Brutus in the imaginations of Benjamin and Chevalier’s main character. his Brutus was hysterical, i want to take one home with me.

so, see this movie if you like Jared Hess and his work. it had a lot of potential, but got lost along the way. really, i laughed out loud a lot, but overall it fell flat and i didn’t end up enjoying it that much. go forth, but with caution. you’ll probably think it’s terrible.

Alphabet Movies: it’s all jello and pudding with you

F; Fargo

P; Post Grad

C; Cesky Sen (Czech Dream)

B; (The) Business of Being Born

#; 17 Again

I; (The) Invention of Lying

A; (The) Amateurs

#; 2 Days in Paris

I; (The) Informant!

O; Ordinary People

man, Mary Tyler Moore is a bitch! and sorry, Donald Sutherland will never be attractive like his son. I keep wanting the younger version of him to be hot, but blerg no. he’s just not.

Timothy Hutton was great. i’ve always liked him, and he’s especially talented in this role. Check him out in Beautiful Girls too.

He plays the tortured Conrad Jarrett, who attempted suicide, was found, went to the looney bin, got out, and is now back in high school. on the swim team coached by the debt collector from Camp Nowhere! name’s Polk. T.R. Polk. haha sorry, i love that movie. rent that too if you’ve never seen it.

So Conrad is obviously not smiles times, and his parents think he should see a shrink. so he does. and it’s the dude from Taxi! not Latka, or Danny Devito, or Jeff Conway. but the other one! Judd Hirsch is his name. ok so Connie goes to see Dr. Berger, which seems to help him. he gets to hash out his feelings about his brother drowning while he watched, dealing with him thinking he caused it, etc. damn good stuff.

so his mom, Mary Tyler Moore, is unintentionally blaming him for the loss of her eldest son. it’s clear he was the family favorite, so it’s not easy for her to deal. his dad is more understanding, and is trying to be the stable and supportive parent.

oh yeah, and Conrad’s friend from the crazy house ends up killing herself. the scene where he finds out is riveting. well played.

in the end, mommy leaves the compound for a “vacation” because she can’t stand her life either.

we’re just ordinary people, we don’t know which way to go… hum dum dum.

but honestly, i thought this movie was great. i’m getting into the old-time dramas, with crazy intense music and dark lighting. the whole movie reminded me of Love Story. same foreboding and all that.

Alphabet Movies: i’m telling the truth

F; Fargo

P; Post Grad

C; Cesky Sen (Czech Dream)

B; (The) Business of Being Born

#; 17 Again

I; (The) Invention of Lying

A; (The) Amateurs

#; 2 Days in Paris

I; (The) Informant!

well we’ve reached that time… the time where i watch a new movie but i’ve already covered that letter. so i guess we’ve got a bonus I entry. i’m still not ready to give away the T spot.

I wanted to see this movie in theatres. much like The Invention of Lying, i didn’t have anyone to go with. pity party! whatever, so i never saw it and it got meh to bad reviews. i put it in my queue and knew one day, i would see this movie that Joel McHale talked about for years because he was in it.

so it’s a movie about this guy, Marc Whitacre. love that last name btw. if there are any Whitacres out there, heeeeey there. let’s get married so i can take your last name. ok back on point! so Marc is an executive at ADM and turns out they’re price fixing their products along with every other company in the world! shocker. so the FBI is contacted about another matter (that Marc brings up *cough* makes up) and huzzah big mouth Marc starts to spill out secrets. next thing ya know, he’s an informant for the FBI about the price fixing going down.

Marc’s an idiot. narrating the tapes much like Homer Simpson would. telling people about his FBI involvement when he clearly shouldn’t. it’s a comedy of errors.

the story evolves, the investigation goes public, gets slow at parts (but come on what movie doesn’t?), Marc’s life is turned upside down, and more stuff just happens! don’t want to spoil it for you.

what i can say is that this movie is basically a ton of comedians in “serious” roles. i swear 90% of the cast has appeared as a panelist on Best Week Ever at least once in their career. ok, not that high, but a lot of comedians in this movie. and Buster Bluth! Pete Hornburger! worth the price of admission alone.

Matt Damon was fantastic. i guess he’s a good actor? Team America would have you believe otherwise, but i kind of like the guy. but honestly i can’t tell you any other movie i’ve seen of his. Bourne series? nope. Good Will Hunting? no sir. i have glaring pop culture blind spots as you can tell. oh wait, he was awesome in Talented Mr. Ripley. i saw that!

so if you like dry humor, don’t mind being a bit confused, and like true stories of corporate takedowns, rent away. i’m such a nerd, i really loved all of the info about what ADM does. corn! it really is in everything.

oh yeah, you might be annoyed by the music. it wasn’t too bad for me. and i loved all of the factoids Damon spouted. i laughed out loud at a lot of them.

Alphabet Movies: real men eat the head

F; Fargo

P; Post Grad

C; Cesky Sen (Czech Dream)

B; (The) Business of Being Born

#; 17 Again

I; (The) Invention of Lying

A; (The) Amateurs

#; 2 Days in Paris

does this count? a second numerical movie? well i make the rules, so YES. this counts.

the night before i watched this i watched Before Sunrise for the umpteenth time. ok that’s a lie, it was more like the 3rd. you know, Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy fall in love for one night in Vienna. so this inspired me to see what else Julie’s been in, and then i remembered that she directed and starred in 2 Nights in Paris. let’s connect the dots here: i watched it.

first things first. i love Adam Goldberg. idk what it is, but hot damn he’s attractive. only with a beard though because i’ve seen photos of him without one and ehhh grow it back. so naturally, i was probably going to like this movie based on the fact that i like both of the leads.

so this movie is kind of like Before Sunrise/Before Sunset, with the banter and the camera-work. it’s mostly two people talking to each other walking around a city. one is neurotic and the other is kind of slutty. i bet you can guess what their conversations are about.

the more i think about it, the less i liked the movie… but i guess looking at Adam Goldberg the whole time is what kept me interested. wow i’m so shallow. parts of it were good, but others were just unnecessary. i got kind of sick of all of the cab rides with Delpy yelling at the drivers.

i can’t say i recommend this movie, unless you’re a fan of the actors. if you wanted to watch a movie about two people in love in a city, watch Before Sunrise and then Before Sunset immediately after. i was way too tired to do the double feature, but i should have. the story feels incomplete.

can’t win ’em all.

Alphabet Movies: let’s make a porno

F; Fargo

P; Post Grad

C; Cesky Sen (Czech Dream)

B; (The) Business of Being Born

#; 17 Again

I; (The) Invention of Lying

A; (The) Amateurs

confession: i saw the first ten minutes of this movie back in 2006. Joey Pants came to Penn State to premiere it and hold a Q&A, etc. it was supposed to be really fun! but then the projector stopped working so the night came to a screeching halt. so yeah, they re-scheduled the viewing but i was unable to attend. never saw the rest.

thank god for Netflix! hey-yo i’m telling you, the 9 bucks a month i shell out for one dvd in the mail at a time and unlimited “watch now” action is totally worth it. you can watch so much!

so this movie is about a small town that decides to make a porno to raise money for something? or for Jeff Bridges? honestly I forget. since I saw the beginning 4 years ago I thought i would be all smart and just skip over the beginning again to get right to the action. obviously a mistake since i can’t remember why they’re making the movie. whatever, it’s not that important.

so the whole town gets involved! everybody from that kid from Almost Famous to Lorelei Gilmore. ok, she’s not really involved but she’s in the movie! what did i learn from this movie? black gentlemen are definitely not all well-hung. which, duh, i think i knew that. young girls that work at the local DQ-esque establishment will bend over backwards to be in your movie. and the chick who works at the mattress store likes to get her freak on.

so i love Jeff Bridges, which made this movie worth watching. it’s a cute little flick that’ll have you rooting for these guys. nothing spectacular, but cute.

and i guess i should just say straight out that there is no actually porn in this movie. of course there isn’t!