Archive for the ‘Musings’ Category

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my life according to Joe Purdy

October 23, 2009

Pick your Artist: Joe Purdy

Are you a male or female: Death of a Maiden

Describe yourself: Riverboat Captain

How do you feel? Two Left Feet

Describe where you currently live: This Morning Blue

If you could go anywhere, where would you go?: Brooklyn I’m Calling

Your favorite form of transportation: Cinderella and the ‘A’ Train

Your favorite color: White Picket Fence

Your best friend is: He Said She Said

You and your best friends are: Outlaws

Favorite time of day: Last Clock on the Wall

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called?: Whiskey and Fish

What is life to you: Waiting on Something Good

Your current relationship: Some Things Don’t Work Out

Your fear: Lady Lonesome

What is the best advice you have to give? I’m Not What You Need

Thought for the Day: You Should

How I would like to die: Put Me In My Place

My soul’s present condition: Wood Box

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cross hausfrau off my list

September 25, 2009

today my mom handed over the task of dusting the house. ‘just a light dust’ she said.

‘i’m sorry, a what? what constitutes a light dusting?’

‘oh you know, all of the surfaces in the house. mainly this floor’

‘yeah, ok.’

end scene.

………………

so today, i dusted the house! just the main floor, and admittedly i did a horrible job. not really on purpose, but my kind of cleaning is the kind with results! i love to vacuum when someone sprinkles corn flakes on the carpet, or mop when someone spills juice on the linoleum floor. stuff you can see.

i guess my whole cleaning philosophy is ‘if i can’t see it, neither can you.’ i always wonder why people make such a fuss about having a spotless house when company is coming. i mean yeah, put away your communist propaganda posters and hide your children, but for god’s sake, no one is going to notice or expect you to have the carpet shampooed (unless it’s fresh from murder) every time they enter the foyer.

is it a need to be liked? approved of? that’s probably the gene i’m missing that would make me a good hausfrau. obviously i don’t want to live in a house of squalor, i pick up after myself regularly and am grossed out when personal space is a mess.

it’s the constant upkeep that drives me mad. i swear, my mom just ‘dusted’ the house for prints a mere three days ago. what gives? dust bunnies shouldn’t reproduce that fast. i know they must, but wow it’s exhausting. and having to vacuum when you don’t really see anything on the floor… gag me.

to finish this tale of my cleaning adventures, i dusted the family room tables, parts of the kitchen, the dining room (which no one has been in since last thanksgiving mind you) and the wood in between the banister(s) on the steps. just the ones in the foyer. i’m the only one that uses the back steps, and they look damn fine to me.

and by dust, i mean rolling the swiffer duster thing over surfaces in a half-assed manner. and let me tell you, whichever stranger enters the house next will most definitely comment on my dusting abilities. in a positive way of course.

i don’t think being a housewife or ‘stay at home mom’ (lol at the mom part amirite??) is ever going to be for me. i would be too busy watching The View and Dr. Oz to care about keeping up the home and hearth.

better get a job…

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let’s play some Ungame

January 6, 2009

i used to love this card* game. actually used to is inappropriate, i still love it.

*not a traditional card game. more like truth or truth without dumb questions.

• When do you get angry?

when don’t i? but i would say i’m most angry when i’m not being respected.

• If you had to move and could only take three things with you, what would you take?

laptop. childhood blanket/sheet. a sweatshirt.

• Do you ever feel lonely? When?

when something funny happens and i don’t have anyone to share it with. i cherish alone time, but there are times when i wish someone was there to share an experience with.

• What one quality do you look for most in a friend?

they see and accept your faults without constant reminder that they exist. also, they have to make me laugh (at or with, doesn’t really matter).

• What is the best advice you’ve ever received?

Get on with it.

• What does freedom mean to you?

i’ve got nothing left to lose. haha sorry, um i don’t know what freedom means because i’ve never been without it.

• Share something you fear.

being alone forever. similar to being lonely, i want to find more people to share experiences with.

• Name five famous people you would like to have for parents and why.

  1. Tina Fey– does this need explanation?
  2. Alec Baldwin– everyone wants to be called a thoughtless pig, don’t they?
  3. Tracy Morgan– he’s hysterical
  4. Frances Conroy– she just looks like such a mom
  5. Timothy Busfield– circa 1994. i’m not sure why exactly…

• If you received $5,000 as a gift, how would you spend it?

i would probably do something stupid like buy a tivo. and with the rest of it? i have no idea…

• What is your favorite sport and why?

Baseball. it’s not even what happens during the game, but between each pitch. it’s such a mental game so it’s fascinating to watch. also, i like hats.

• When as the last time you cried, and why?

Seriously? i was tearing up last night watching Gossip Girl. was it because i love Chuck and Blair? or because I thought Jack Bass was too attractive to be on screen? you decide.

• If someone could give you anything in the world for your birthday, what would you want?

a plane ticket to Prague. for me and my favs from that time in my life.

• What four things are most important in your life?

laughter. learning. music. friends.

• What kind of trophy would you like to win?

Saddest. from Motherboy XXX

• Share a time in your life when you were embarrassed.

how about every time i’m in public with my dad? yeah.

• What would you do if you had a “magic wand”?

make the entire world population not obese anymore so ppl could stfu and we can all get back to eating oreos.

• If you were lost in the woods and it got dark what would you do?

stay put? walk towards the light? i don’t know.

• How would you describe yourself to someone who does not know you?

i’m quite shy before i get to know you, but then i’m quick and funny. also, i can sit and listen to conversations without contributing for hours.

• Talk about birthdays.

one year we had a pinata at my brother’s party and i got whacked in the face.

• Make a statement about beauty.

whatever you hate about yourself, someone probably loves.

• Tell about the neatest birthday present you ever received.

i got this pretty sweet 101 Dalmatians outfit from my uncle. i wore it all the time.

• What do you like to do in your spare time?

listen to music, read stuff online, watch dvds, read trashy teen fiction, watch tv, cook.

• What do you dislike most about yourself?

that i catch myself caring about what people think about me and my actions. it’s really hard to stop caring.

• What is one of your hobbies?
• What do you like to day-dream about?

Chuck Bass. my life when i have a real job. how i’m going to decorate.

• If you were told you have only one week to live, how would you spend it?

on an airplane seeing as much of the world as i can. also, joining the mile high club with hope of catching every std in existence. also, i guess i would max out my credit cards. why not?

• Tell about something beautiful.

i love my backyard. it’s a quarry. when the sun is setting, it’s so picturesque, even with the supermarket in the background.

• What seems to complicate your life?

people who don’t see things in the same way.

• What would you do if you found $1,000 in a vacant lot?

keep it. and buy coffee?

• What is the worst thing parents can do to children?

pressure them into things they don’t want. scare them into fearing them. not listen to their needs, or not taking them seriously.

• Talk about one of your bad habits.

i regularly leave dishes in the sink when i know better.

• What really turns you off?

gosh i don’t know if i have any major deal breakers. a lot of things people hate kind of turn me on… oh! duh! people who don’t take care of themselves.

• What do you think about when you can’t fall asleep?

i walk down a long staircase in my head. also, tense each muscle group individually until my body is heavy. works like a charm

• What is something you can do well?

drive? uhh i have nice handwriting when i concentrate. otherwise i’m really not spectacular at anything, seriously. and i’m ok with it.

• Share a time when you had hurt feelings.

i’ll be vague, but when i’m not respected my feelings are very hurt.

• If you could change your age, what age would you rather be?

23. i want to be at the point in my life where i’m finished completely with school, have a job, a home, a different life. an independent life.

• If someone were to write a book about you, what would the title be?

‘forever is tomorrow is today’ or ‘available.’

• What talents do you have (don’t be modest)?

i can blow bubbles off of my tongue. beat that!

• What do you like most about yourself?

i would say my sense of humor and ability to dish it out.

• How do you feel when someone laughs at you?

at or with? at? i’m probably laughing too.

• Tell about a time when you felt proud of yourself.

amazingly, i have never been turned down for anything i’ve ever applied/interviewed for. (yet… and now that i keep saying it, it’s bound to happen). so i guess i’m proud of that… going for the right things even if they can be a risk.

• Say something about policemen.

oink oink. donuts. that’s all i’ve got.

• What is your favorite food?

falafel. cous cous. potatoes prepared almost any way.

• Describe the best teacher you’ve ever had.

was serious about the subject, but never made the students feel stupid for not knowing something. really focused on progression in learning.

• What do you look when you get angry?

red. god i’m such a tomato 90% of the time anyway.

• Say something about jokes.

can i tell you my favorite instead? first, i love dead baby jokes, so take that for what it’s worth. ok here goes: what do you call a dead baby on a doorstep?…. mat. hahahahahahaha gets me every time.

• When you are alone and no one else can see or hear you, what do you like to do?

sing and dance, obvs. but seriously, my iTunes is almost always on and if i’m alone you bet your bippy i’m singing along.

• If you could become invisible, where would you like to go?

your room. hah um i dont think it would necessarily be a ton of private places, just places in which i could be but wasn’t for some reason.

• What do you think your friends say about you when you’re not around?

she’s always humming… and she’s kind of harsh. or ‘that bitch is crazy’ because depending on who you are, you probably think so.

• What kind of animal would you like to be and where would you like to live?

a giraffe b/c i want to know what it’s like to see the world from up high. i guess that means Africa? but i think i would rather be in a European zoo.

• What is your favorite room in your house and why?

i love our kitchen. i love to cook, everyone gathers there, there’s a steady supply of coke zero. what’s not to love?

• Give three words to describe how you are feeling right now.

in pain (shoulders). anxious. excited.

• Describe your best friend.

takes their life seriously. very knowledgeable. knows their faults and embraces their strengths.

hah kidding, i dont know anyone like that, but that’s someone i would want to be friends with.

• What would you like to do to become famous?

start a rock band and break up a marriage. in that order.

• What TV or movie star would you like to invite to your birthday party?

i would invite Ed Westwick because he’s British, chicks dig him, and his band can play. also i am curious to see how anyone fits into pants that tight.

• What do you think the ideal age is? Why?

27. you’re almost 30, but still able to enjoy your 20s. by this time you can either be settled down or just beginning that process. you probably have a steady job and life to go along with it. also, you can start lying about your age because you’ll probably look the same age for awhile.

• Tell about someone you respect and why.

they worked very hard for what they have. they love deeply. family is important to them (something i wish i had)

• Who or what makes you feel guilty?

i have a hard time feeling guilt. you can call me a bitch, but i’m a pretty firm believer in working for what you have. i don’t believe that “everything happens for a reason” or it’s “god’s plan.” to me, those are excuses. you bring your own fortune.

but i do feel guilty when sea creatures are caught in 6-pack rings.

• What advice would you give a younger brother or sister about life?

it’s not always pretty. sometimes you won’t understand why. it’s up to you to change it.

• What was the most difficult thing you have ever said to someone you loved?

i don’t deserve to be treated this way.

• Tell about a time you hurt someone.

i probably hurt people all the time. i know i hurt my grandma when i don’t keep in contact like she thinks i should. can’t win them all…

• What is something you’d like to accomplish before you die?

i would like to be publicly recognized for something. doesn’t matter how or what, but i want strangers to be proud of me. (wow that sounds incredibly vain, but i mean it in a genuine way)

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half of them were friends from going through the program with me

December 29, 2008

cue that “let’s go to the movies” music!

it was a perfectly sunny and all together strange Sunday in December. what was it, like 60 something degrees? that’s whack. or wack? i don’t know.

regardless, my mom and i had planned on going to see Doubt since it was Sunday, and well, i was feeling guilty. my dad also wanted to see it but was busy hitting the links, and the last time we saw a movie without him he was very upset. as in still brings it up like it’s blackmail. yeah, whatever.

at the risk of actually upsetting him, i looked at what was playing at dear old GoggleWorks. to my surprise, Rachel Getting Married was playing, and only until 1/1! I’ve been wanting to see this film for awhile.

Without ruining anything, i will say that it’s about Kym (Anne Hathaway) and her sister, Rachel (the stunning Rosemarie DeWitt), who is getting married. Kym just gets out of rehab right before the wedding and dysfunction commences.

Acting=aces. excellent from everyone in the cast. no one stuck out as “wtf they suck,” so that was nice.

Set=aces ten. The house they live in, omg i want to move in. complete perfection.

Racial diversity=aces plus a million. Rachel is marrying Sidney who lives in Hawaii. They’re having an Indian themed wedding. I think i also saw a kilt? i’m not sure. it was definitely a Stuff White People Like moment or twenty.

This film is labeled as a comedy on google, which is absurd because everyone around me was tearing up and sniffling for most of the movie. Rehab is intense, getting married is stressful, and fighing with your siblings and parents is always horrible.

and here’s my standard totally superficial side note: The guy who played Keiran(?) was a super fox. I wasn’t loving his new wave bordering Flock of Seagulls hair, but he was really intense in a hot way. intense, but sensitive. not too much though.

Since GoggleWorks has no popcorn, i will give this a 3 Green Teas out of 4. I recommend it to anyone who has experienced familial dysfunction, likes 12 step meetings on film, or loves interracial couplings. Also, be sure your stomach can handle shify camera work. i was pretty dizzy at the beginning but got used to it.

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certified.

December 13, 2008

i’m officially certified to give mouth to mouth. form an orderly line, there’s plenty of super awesome rescue breathing knowledge for me to share.

i sat in a building for 7.5 hours today re-learning the ins and outs of first aid and adult, child, and infant CPR. the best part? no, not the fact that our written “tests” were in group form, or that we never actually had to individually perform CPR. the best part was the instructor, who took such pride in his “on the job” stories, that we were there for probably an hour more than necessary. also, his left ear was pierced. and his pants were high-waisted.

i would totally let him save my life though, he’s very capable and he knows how to remove a bra correctly (for CPR… he explained it).

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he was looking all a-jew

December 13, 2008

*back-posted. well no, but i wrote this over a month ago and am posting it now. ta-da!

went to my first Oneg on Friday night. a what? an Oneg. oh, an Oneg. you know, one of those Jewish things.

According to Britannica Online (wikipedia really dropped the ball on this one)

…an Oneg Shabbat is an informal Sabbath (or Friday evening) gathering of Jews in a synagogue or private home to express outwardly the happiness inherent in the Sabbath holiday. Now more social than religious, the group entertains itself with music, drama, community discussions, lectures, or the singing of religious melodies—all in keeping with the biblical injunction, “and call the Sabbath a delight” (Isaiah 58:13). Usually refreshments are provided to complement the congenial atmosphere and perpetuate in spirit the Talmud’s recommendation to eat three full meals that day.

so yes, there were refreshments served and i looked completely goy wearing jeans. the ladies aren’t supposed to show that much leg. either way, i ate some delicious turtle shaped cookie cake. the theme was “the unbearable awkwardness of being” so it was basically awkward turtle all around. and hell i fit right in not knowing anyone at the celebration except the other gentiles that were invited.

I love Jewish folk. i’ve considered signing up on J-date many times. they’re just so cute and i think it’s adorable that they’re so committed to something. i mean obviously it would never work out because i’m not exactly willing to convert, but it’s still fun to love them and their yarmulkes.

the best part of this Oneg? the guy who can’t touch women until he’s married!!! i’m serious. he was the forbidden fruit and it made me want him even more. i tried the whole night to accidentally bump into him, but this guy has cat like reflexes. it was pretty impressive to watch him maneuver around the crowded party filled with ladies and not touch a single one.

he was so cute. while i’m not sure that he was the highlight of the party (that prize goes to the guy who looked like a limo driver but was completely serious about his wardrobe choice), he was certainly up there in my favorite things. definitely better than the creeper in the Bill Clinton mask. that’s probably what made my body decide that expelling anything and everything from it later on that night was a good idea.

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choke on the stuffing

November 27, 2008

happy day before black friday! grey thursday? charcoal perhaps? and while we’re on the subject, what’s the actual difference between grey and gray? i’m going to wikipedia that business in a minute but really. i prefer to use grey whenever i can, it classes me up.

ok this just in: there’s no real difference, BUT Canadians prefer Grey. hmm

anyway, before dinner tonight i was sitting with my Oma on the couch half watching Miracle on 34th Street and half wishing someone would text or call me so i could get up and leave the room. We got to talking with my Tante Lil about how inappropriate stuff is on TV these days, like how in Gone With The Wind they said “i don’t give a damn” and people were shocked. Welcome to the 90s Mr. Banks, amirite?

so yeah somehow the convo steered towards Viagra and Cialas commercials. it was awkward. i wanted to say “if it last for 4 hours or more, call your friends to brag” but i figured that would be a touch off color for the crowd. anyway then someone said something to the effect of “and there are so many gays and lesbians freely on the television today too” “i don’t want my grand kids to see that”

ugh. i know they’re old, but seriously? and i’m hardly a bleeding heart liberal, not even hardly, try just plain not. this has inspired me to either bring a chick or some “curse like a sailor” bloke to Christmas dinner. the bidding starts at -$10 (meaning i’ll pay you $10 to listen to my psycho relatives, which coincidentally is quite entertaining). and our Chirstmas is pretty low key, meaning freely flowing booze and some sort of Italian dish as well as ham.

besides that hilarity, i would give this Thanksgiving an 8 on the tolerability scale. i managed to have a nice buzz for the entire thing, meaning nothing really bothered me and the mashed potatoes tasted extra delicious.