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Farewell to the Bluths

August 16, 2008

*poster’s note: I wrote this farewell speech for my PSU speech class, sophomore year of college. I just found it this afternoon while sorting through bins and couldn’t stop laughing. My only regret is not working in one of my favorite AD moments, where everyone is chanting “speech! speech! speech!” but believe me, i thought about it.

Fox has made a huge mistake. It’s not like this happened yesterday, but last year they canceled what was easily my favorite show in the past few years, Arrested Development. I know I cannot do the show justice, but today I would like to say goodbye to my beloved AD by imparting the wisdom it has given me over the years from watching the original run, and many repeat viewings on DVD. Each of the Bluth family members has contributed to my life in some way, and I would like to recognize a few of them and what they have taught me.

Michael and George Michael Bluth, the father-son duo; From everything you’ve taught me, I know that an A- is not quite an A and it doesn’t deserve ice cream, and that being in love with your cousin is a little dangerous. Family is the most important thing in the world, unless you’re talking about things you eat, and then it would be breakfast. Learning to drive on a stair-car takes a lot of practice, and impeccable breaking capabilities, and if you’re ever in trouble, blame it on George Michael the singer-songwriter.

Buster Bluth, the perennial grad student of everything from tribal chants to topography, had a knack for point out the obvious, even if it was unclear for everyone else. Annyong means hello, chickens don’t clap, the blue on the map is not land, and hermano means brother. All of these things were clarified by Buster, and without him, Gob would have put everyone in a “como” on the set of the popular Spanish soap opera, El Amor Prohibido.

Brother in law Tobias was always there to unintentionally humor everyone else in the Bluth clan. I now know that a fire is not the same as a fire sale. There are dozens of never-nudes in the world, and Zach Braff is one of them. The Blue Man group is not a support group for depressed men, and somewhere over the rainbow there’s another rainbow. Somehow I’ll understand Tobias more than he’ll never know.

Finally, Gob Bluth, my favorite of the family. I now know to never give up the animation rights, rock always beats scissors, Portugal might be in South America, sad tastes a lot like happy, and building a house in two weeks is entirely possible if you yell like Howard Dean. Since he is also a magician extraordinaire, I know that the pet store does not have a return policy on dead doves, a $100 bill is no more than 100 pennies, and they’re illusions, not tricks.

Arrested Development was a genius in its own right, and it’s a shame it never found the massive audience Fox was counting on. It not only taught its viewers something new every week, but it also has an incredible staying power: every time I watch an episode, no matter if it’s viewing 3 or 50, I still laugh hysterically and find new things to enjoy each time. Arrested Development, you are sorely missed in these television times of The Bachelor and American Idol. I, like others, was sad to see you go in the way of other shows that were canceled far too soon. We all miss you and hope that you’re happy up in television heaven, and I’ll be bringing you some salmon rolls right away. Thanks for the laughs, and remember: no touching.

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